You Could Walk Forever
by that is secret
Summary: They say you can walk forever, without ever finding what you're looking for; Kikyou muses on how her life could have been.


A/N: Once again, I believe that Kikyou is bashed needlessly. She is a beautiful and tragic character, not just an obstacle to Inugome. She deserves respect; therefore, I have tried to give her that respect.  
  
"You Could Walk Forever"  
  
Inuyasha sits cross-legged outside the door to Kaede's hat. The sun gleams on his bare skin and makes his red pants seem lighter in hue. I remember seeing him like that before - injured, his wounds being tended to. It's only that before. . . I was the one who tended him.  
  
Before, it was not this girl, this girl they claim is *my* reincarnation. I freely admit that part of her soul is also part of mine. Still, I do not understand how she could be fully me; I could not exist, not even in this weak and pathetic form, if she were I. We would both be torn asunder, one soul broken into two bodies. I would have no soul at all to power this unclean construct of mud that I call my body.   
  
Kagome has no part here in the past. She is the future. And she pains me.   
  
Her big eyes, innocent as once were mine, and her deft hands that smooth the salve over Inuyasha's wound, alive as once were mine - they pain me. She has taken my place. This girl from the future has taken my old place. I see the way the villagers revere her, as priestess and guardian of the Shikon no Tama. I see the way Kaede thinks of her as a sister, a little sister to teach and instruct and care for.  
  
The way I used to think of Kaede.  
  
Most of all, I can see the way Inuyasha looks at her when he thinks she's not aware. It's the same way he used to look at me when he thought I wasn't aware. It softens those sharp eyes to honey; it makes him appear like an angel, a divine apparition sent from the gods to protect all mankind. And maybe he was, even if he doesn't show it.   
  
On such rare moments, I used to be able to tell exactly what he felt. I knew that he loved me. And now, when he looks at her, I know that he loves her. It is how Kagome hurts me most of all - she is now the mistress of his heart. Inuyasha is lost to me.  
  
It could have been mine, it all could have been mine, but I lost it. Naraku's trickery and my own suspicions. . . they took my future. I missed so much. I never saw Kaede grow up. For me, she has gone from a young child to an old woman, broken and bent by life. I never got to teach her the ways of the miko. We used to walk through the fields, talking about herbs and medicines, but I never really got to teach her. I lost her too soon to tell her what being a miko was truly about - not mere alchemy, but the protection and care of the lives about her. She had to learn that from someone else.   
  
I lost my only love - my Inuyasha. I lost any chance at a life with him, at a family and children and a home. Gone. It was my one great desire during my life, and it will remain unfulfilled.   
  
Now I can only walk this lonely earth, watching. I watch her as she bandages the wound on Inuyasha's back. He winces and snaps at her - she merely slaps him over the head. For once he quiets down and allows her to continue working, and I can see the faint smile on her face at this.   
  
Oh, so like me. . . I was once that carefree, that happy at heart. I damn Naraku every day for his deception. He stole my life from me, but even worse was his theft of my happiness. Such a life, such a charmed life, could have been mine; but instead, I am condemned to haunt this cursed earth. To leave the world of the living would be giving up. It would be abandoning any chance at a home or love or my version of life. I cannot do that - I simply cannot. Even if my future now belongs to Kagome, even if she is the rightful heir to what could have been mine. . . I cannot give up.  
  
A monk who discovered my secret once tried to persuade me to go back to the world of the dead. He reminded me of the futility of this quest, the utter failure that can be the only result. He told me, "you could walk forever." But a return to the netherworld. . . it would be a greater sin to my heart than walking the earth is a sin to the gods.  
  
I will walk forever.   
  
:::travel the earth::: 


End file.
